


The Heart of the Matter

by tinx_r



Category: Riptide (TV)
Genre: Canon het, Episode Related, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 19:44:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3949294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinx_r/pseuds/tinx_r
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick and Cody have their own way of dealing with the fallout when something comes between them. But is it enough?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Season 3. And Nick's allergic to melons.

Nick slipped in late to the party. He'd missed the speeches and presentation on purpose -- he was still wound too tight from the whole fiasco south of the border, plus the night with Renee St. Clair.

He found Cody at the bar and joined him, nodding at the bartender for one of whatever Cody was drinking. Cody glanced at him sideways and grinned. "Changed your mind about the suit, huh?"

Nick looked down at himself, confused, then remembered his line when he'd sent his partners off without him. "You're wearing the pants I wanted to change into," he said at random.

"These ones don't fit you in the waist." Cody smirked.

Nick's drink arrived and he took a healthy slug, then lowered it and eyed it with respect. "Double scotch? You planning on a big night?"

Cody shrugged. "It was free. Seemed like a good idea."

Nick shifted sideways and bumped Cody's shoulder. "Sorry," he said, and took a more moderate sip. Cody didn't like crowds much more than Nick. "I should'a made an effort. Should'a been here."

Cody shrugged again. "Murray's having a great time."

Nick sighed and drained his glass, then waved for another.

"Now who's having a big night?"

"Not me," Nick said, and rubbed his face. "How long we gotta stay at this thing, anyhow?"

"The rate you're going, about half a bottle," Cody said drily, and got up. "Take it easy, huh?"

*

"You still thinking about her?" Cody sat down on his own bunk, looking expectantly at Nick who was slowly untying his tie.

Nick looked up. "I was feeling bad for making Murray come home early," he said with a half-smile. "But then, I figured you were done, anyhow."

"I was," Cody admitted, tossing his suit jacket toward the closet and pulling his shirt over his head.

Nick picked Cody's jacket up off the floor, shook it and hung it up, then hung his own beside it.

"Do you think she'll get in touch with you?"

"What?" Nick turned in the act of unbuttoning his shirt, staring at Cody. "Renee?"

"Yes, Renee." Cody looked troubled. "D'you think she'll get in touch, once the heat's off?"

 _She better not be so stupid._ Nick took a deep breath. He'd never considered the idea. "I don't think so. It'd be suicide, and not just for her, probably us too."

"Tonight, I half expected you'd be gone when we got back. I thought you might try and go after her."

Nick dropped onto his own bunk, staring at Cody. "Then why'd you go?" he challenged. "If I was gonna do anything so fucking stupid, shouldn't you have stopped me?"

"Probably." Cody sighed, rubbed his face, then stood, turned his back to Nick and pulled off his pants. He climbed into his bunk in his shorts and pulled the blankets up to his waist. "I wanted to. Stay, I mean. But I figured you needed the space."

Nick shook his head and covered his eyes, shaken. _I didn't need space, pal. I need a do-over. One where we don't get separated._ "It was like being back in 'Nam," he said, forcing the words out. "The heat, and the chopper, and the girl. Shot down in-country, and she was there…"

"Nick…"

Nick shuddered, eyes burning as unbidden tears leaked under his palms. He felt the bunk move under Cody's weight, Cody's hand on his shoulder, strong and true.

"I didn't even think of that," Cody said, not much more than a whisper. "I'm sorry. I thought -- I dunno, I thought you must have found some kind of connection with her. I thought it was about her."

"She kept me out of my own head," Nick managed, rubbing the tears away and lowering his hands. He looked up into Cody's concern, Cody's love for him, and smiled involuntarily. "That -- if she hadn't done that, things might've gone down a lot different."

Cody shivered. "If I had her address, I'd send her a thank you card," was all he said. But he didn't let go, and he didn't move away.

Nick looked down, and slowly reached for his neglected buttons. He heard the breath catch in Cody's throat, then Cody shifted his grip, inexorably pulling the shirt free from Nick's shoulders.

Nick, his own breath coming quicker, stood and fumbled with his belt. Cody dropped his hands to his sides and looked up into Nick's face, his expression a curious mix of trepidation and want.

 _What is it you're scared of, baby? That I don't want you? Or that I do?_ Nick paused for a moment, aware his own face reflected emotions which were equally confused, then shoved his pants down and kicked them off, along with his shoes and socks. "You wanna do this?"

Cody licked his lips. "Whatever you need, buddy." He looked away from Nick's searching gaze, but there was fresh colour in his cheeks, and his bulging shorts told their own story.

Without waiting for further confirmation, Nick clicked off the light and joined his partner on the bunk. Neither of them had words for this form of comfort, sought in the dark, the slaking of a need so deep it barely qualified as pleasure. They had turned to it first a decade or more ago in the heat and the dark, an island where fear could not follow -- a sweet moment outside of war, outside of time. Outside of who and what they were, had been, could be.

There was urgency, always -- the primal hunger would not, could not wait. Nick felt it now, growing in him -- the need to have Cody, to own him, marked and branded for all to know. "You know what I need," he forced out, half growl, half sob, and Cody pressed him down on the bed, silencing him with a rough, greedy kiss.

It was everything -- permission, absolution -- and as Nick fought equally with tears and Cody's shorts, Cody stripped him then pulled away. A moment later he was back, gloriously nude under Nick's hands, slicking cold lube on Nick's cock.

"Here," Cody murmured, squirting cool gel into Nick's hand. Nick felt Cody's knees against his hips and realized Cody was straddling him, facing his feet. With a grunt, he spread his legs as Cody's slippery fingers squeezed his balls, and then he reached out blindly, finding first the perfect globes of Cody's ass, then, unerringly, unstoppably, the yielding center within.

Yielding or not, Cody was impossibly tight, and a tiny voice inside Nick's head started up. _We're too wound up, I want him too much, it's been so long, what if I hurt him and then --_ Cody's groan of acceptance effectively silenced the complaints, charging straight to Nick's balls and nearly making everything including the voice moot. Nick gasped as Cody gripped the base of his cock, effectively cutting him off at the pass -- or the balls, Nick wasn't sure which -- and Nick shoved a second finger inside, reckless now. 

"Give it to me, Nick," Cody said, hoarse and low. "I need it too. Could'a lost you out there, buddy. Thought I did."

"Couldn't happen." Nick arched up, shuddering, and grabbed Cody's hips, pulling him back. "You won't lose me. Need you too much. Cody -- oh, God. Cody!"

The heat and perfection of Cody, taking him a fraction at a time, rendered Nick powerless, boneless, a pawn for Cody's body, Cody's need. The tiny movement Cody's confining legs and pelvis allowed was a tease, no more -- he was nothing until Cody's thighs lay across his own, Cody's ass against his groin, Cody's velvet passage owning his cock.

"I need," Nick gasped helplessly. "Cody! I need -- " But there were no words to finish the sentence, nothing big enough. Nothing save the roar ripped from his throat as Cody started to move, giving Nick space, encouraging Nick to thrust.

And Nick did, silent now, gripping Cody's hips with grim determination as he drove deeper, higher, further into Cody's body. Cody was stroking his own cock, leaning back, groaning as Nick's thrusts hit his prostate. Nick knew when he had him good, when he was nailing him just right, could feel the ripples in Cody's flesh that meant the end was approaching.

Cody's ass, so impossibly tight, was even tighter now, milking Nick, dragging everything from him. Nick welcomed it, the edge so close, as he felt Cody rising with him, felt the sing of Cody's body as Cody let himself crest.

Nick hung on, pulling Cody down and back, finding new depth as though he could make this fleeting union binding, make them one for eternity. "I need you," he gasped as his tide rose, spilling everything of him into Cody. "Cody!"

"Gotcha, pal. You got me." Cody, breathless, trembling, eased off Nick's pole. Nick moaned his disapproval but released Cody's hips, one part of his mind aware that the position they'd been in would not do for sleeping. The rest of his mind just wanted Cody, as close as possible. 

"I know, big guy." Cody flopped beside him, head on his chest, leg across Nick's thigh. "I need you too, you know that, right?"

Nick couldn't find words, so he wrapped one arm around Cody's shoulders, pulling him close. He raised the other hand to Cody's face, and gently traced his jaw. "Thanks," he whispered at last. 

One more kiss, this one sweet and lingering, and then Cody nuzzled into Nick's neck. The time for talking was over. Nick knew it and it hurt him, even though he had still had no words -- would never have any. He kissed Cody's hair, sweet and light, and took what he had -- his partner in his arms, the strength of their bond -- and dismissed the rest. 

_Don't let me go, Cody. Don't ever let go._


	2. Chapter 2

The flight home from San Francisco was one of the toughest of Nick's career. Cody's silent hurt made Nick want to puke, and Murray's forced cheerful chatter made him want to dump the Mimi in the sea and put all three of them out of their misery.

But he did neither of those things, somehow keeping his sleep-deprived eyes open until he finally set down, with an inelegant bump, in King Harbor.

Cody came awake with a start. "Home already?" he said, and rubbed his eyes.

Nick blinked at him. "Already?" _That hadta be the longest four hours of my life, right there._ "Yeah, pal. Home already."

Cody had been dozing, on and off, for more than half the flight, and maybe it had done him good, because he seemed more cheerful when they got back to the Riptide. Nick was pleased, but pleased or not, he was so exhausted that when Murray called for pizza, even the idea of eating sent him bolting for the head.

Nick hadn't eaten any more than he'd slept during the abortive clusterfuck of the days in San Francisco, so all he had to lose were a few cups of mediocre coffee. That, and his heart.

Cody wanted Janet. Wanted her bad enough to leave, if she'd gone for it. Wanted her bad enough to change his life, give up everything. _Give up me._

 _What did you expect?_ Nick asked himself, crawling into his bunk. _You know what he wants. Pretty wife, a couple of kids, cat, dog._ He thought of Bucky and grinned sourly. _Make that two cats._

Maybe Uncle Nick would get to visit on holidays. Play ball with Cody's son, buy presents for his daughter. Fight with Cody's wife until she persuaded Cody Nick was a bad influence.

Nick curled in a ball and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyesockets. His guts ached, his head ached. Every muscle in his body ached from flying Mimi so long. But nothing hurt like the pain in his soul.

Somewhere in the last ten years, he'd gone ahead and dropped his defenses. Someplace along the line, he'd let himself believe Cody was his, that somehow, whatever happened, however it worked, they'd stay together.

 _I gotta go before you leave me, babe. I gotta get out._ But even the thought of leaving started him dry-retching again, and that was why Cody found him in the head, clinging to the edge of the toilet bowl, huge sobs all but tearing him apart.

*

Close on midnight, Nick's bladder woke him. He felt confused and hazy, his head thick, his chest thicker -- as though he'd come off two weeks of firefighting, sleep deprivation and smoke inhalation.

He went to sit up and found Cody beside him. Nick shook his head, unable to remember why Cody was close, or why he felt so bad. He struggled from the bed and made his way to the bathroom, leaning on the wall for support.

As he relieved himself, the whole mess came back to him. He stopped in front of the mirror and looked at himself, then shook his head. "Who'm I kidding?" he muttered. "I'll stay until he throws me out, an' even then, I'll come right back, just in case he doesn't mean it."

He brushed his teeth, feeling a little better, and Cody met him at the door.

"You okay?" Cody's eyes were troubled as he reached for Nick, grabbing his arm, lifting a hand to touch his cheek. "Still feverish?"

"Feverish?" Nick echoed in surprise, but he leaned thankfully on Cody. His legs felt curiously unsteady. "Don' think so."

"I didn't know you hadn't slept," Cody said, slowly piloting Nick back toward the stateroom. "It wasn't til Murray told me that I realized. You scared me back there, you know that?"

"Scared you?" Nick shook his head, trying to clear it. Trying to remember. "Whaddaya mean? Landing was a little bumpy, sure, but you were sleeping. Didn't even think you noticed."

"Not then, buddy. After we got back to the boat. You weren't feeling good. I came down to check on you and found you half conscious in the head. Remember?"

Nick dropped into bed, grunting approval as Cody climbed in beside him. He remembered hurting all over. He remembered Janet, even though he'd gladly have forgotten her. He remembered Cody's strong arms, Cody's closeness. "You didn't go," he whispered. "So scared."

"What?" Cody asked, and there was a wary note in his voice.

Belatedly, Nick's brain caught up with his mouth. "Think I was dreaming," Nick muttered, rubbing a hand along Cody's arm. "Forget it."

Cody moved closer to him and tightened his arms around him. "I didn't go," he said softly. "And I'm not gonna, Nick, okay? I'm not going anyplace. If I learned one thing, that's it."

Nick lay in silence, wide awake now. There were a hundred answers he could have given, a hundred questions he could have asked, but he shut his lips firmly on all of them. He was close enough to the edge already.

"This is my home, buddy. I'm not leaving California, or the Riptide. I'm not leaving the agency."

Nick breathed out slow. "I'm glad," he said carefully. _What about me, Cody? Are you leaving me?_ He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Yeah, well, my whole life's out here." Cody sighed, then rubbed his head against Nick's shoulder. "Anyhow, Janet never could learn to make eggs the way I like 'em."

Nick closed his eyes on the memory of Janet fresh from Cody's arms. Of Cody, barely dressed, fresh from Janet's bed. _How 'bout making love, Cody? Looked to me you liked that just fine._

Cody moved closer, nuzzling against Nick's cheek. One hand slid down, drifting across Nick's belly, skimming his hips, coming to rest on the waistband of his shorts. "Stop thinking what you're thinking," Cody murmured in Nick's ear. "I was chasing a dream, d'you get that? I'm not going anyplace."

Nick lifted his hips into Cody's touch, granting permission. _I got a dream too. You ever think that? You ever even guess?_ Nick risked opening his eyes, and found Cody staring back at him with tenderness, rather than the simple lust he'd been expecting. He closed his eyes again, too vulnerable -- still too hurt -- to see his partner's need, and pulled Cody down for a hungry, angry kiss.

Part of him wanted to fight, to shout and throw punches, but Cody's sweet mouth killed that impulse dead. Panting, undone, Nick shuddered on the bed, legs falling apart as Cody hauled his underwear off and took hold of his cock. He reached out for Cody but his coordination was gone, and Cody simply kissed him again.

"Let me," Cody muttered, wriggling out of his own underwear as he gave Nick's cock a few experimental strokes. Nick thrust into the touch, close to the edge in an instant and Cody stilled his hand. "Don't rush it," Cody growled softly. "Wanna get inside you. Wanna feel you come when I'm inside you."

Nick caught his breath and opened his eyes. It wasn't like Cody to ask for what he wanted. "Anything you need," he confirmed their unspoken rule, feeling himself soften in Cody's strong grip. _Is that what Janet gave you? Or what she held back?_

Cody was staring at him hungrily. "I need to come home," he said softly. "Bring me home, Nick."

 _You are my home. My heart, my life._ "C'mon, big guy. You know the way." Nick spread his thighs and raised his knees, feeling himself harden again as Cody's eyes flamed.

Cody kissed him, raw and savage, then dived down, biting low on Nick's ribcage. Nick arched up, dropping his knees, only to feel Cody's hands on his thighs, spreading him wider and pushing his feet off the mattress.

Nick groaned, falling back as Cody's wet mouth caressed the vein along his cock, but as quickly as it had come, the sensation disappeared. Nick was trying to muster the coordination to reach out, or failing that, words to warn Cody how close he was, when the wet heat returned, lapping at his balls.

Nick liked oral sex as much as the next guy, but there was something about Cody's mouth that took it to a whole other plane. Nick whined and thrashed, trying simultaneously to have Cody suck his balls till the end of time, and at the same time get that magical mouth back on his cock. But Cody released his balls, and instead of the hoped-for blowjob, the teasing tongue rubbed over Nick's perineum and lightly, tantalizingly, caressed its way to the quivering center beneath.

Nick made an inarticulate sound, grabbed his own knees and pulled his legs wide. "Cody," he gasped. "Cody!"

"Good?" Cody muttered, tickling with a finger then following up with another lick. "Couple of magazines I read said this was worth trying."

Nick could feel his eyes rolling back in his head. Cody's tongue seemed everywhere, somehow attached to the probing finger, reaching deeper inside him than he could believe and at the same time stimulating his rim beyond his endurance. He couldn't bear it, and at the same time he never wanted it to stop.

"Those magazines were right, huh? Never seen you so hot for it." Cody's voice sounded rough and thick, and Nick struggled past the fog that seemed to have enveloped his brain.

Cody was right. Nick didn't mind bottoming for Cody -- how could he? -- but he'd always preferred being on top, his own cock buried to the hilt between Cody's full, round cheeks. But tonight, his loins on fire, his cock hard as granite, he could think of nothing but the ache in his hole. An ache that needed one thing to fill it.

"Get it in me," he forced out, staring at Cody. "Now. Need you, man."

Cody leaned forward over him, kissed him hard and pushed his slick cock against Nick's entrance. Nick cried out sharply as Cody's shoulders took up position behind his knees and Cody's thick cockhead started negotiations with his overstimulated rim.

"I -- I -- " Nick shuddered, arching up as his hole spasmed around the intruder. 

Cody swore and shoved forward, breaching Nick's rim, forcing his way inside. Nick bit his lip at the flare of pain, then groaned as Cody pushed in again more slowly. His ass burned, hot want searing him from the inside out, the space inside him where Cody _wasn't_ hurting so much more.

Cody must have felt it too because he pulled back with another curse. Nick whimpered, bereft, as Cody's cock slipped from his passage, teasing at his rim. "Want you," he managed.

"Want you, too." A finger entered Nick as Cody fumbled in the nightstand. Nick groaned, passage contracting around the intruder, holding on to this tiny piece of Cody. "So fucking tight," Cody panted. "Maybe I got you too hot, huh? Want me to get you off first?"

Nick shook his head mutely and grabbed the lube from Cody's hand. He struggled with the cap and squeezed half the tube into his hand.

Cody laughed softly. "That might be overkill, buddy." He swiped his hand through the goop on Nick's palm and Nick cried out as the cold gel was spread around his hole. A moment later, two of Cody's fingers were pressing home, stretching him, making him ready.

Nick's head fell back on the pillow, amazed at how good it felt, shaken by how badly he needed Cody to fuck him. And Cody must have been just as impatient, because he scooped the rest of the lube from Nick's hand and a moment later, his heavy cock was pressing, slick and easy, against Nick's entrance.

This time, there was no pain. Cody's fingers had done their work and Nick groaned in bliss as Cody slid into place, bigger than he had any right to be, taking Nick's body like he owned it.

Nick kept his eyes shut. Who was he kidding? His body was Cody's for the taking, along with his heart, his soul -- every part of him that mattered. This brief pleasure, this tiny stab at unity, was the barest illustration, the smallest part of what Cody was to him.

Cody started moving, slow and easy, and it was almost too much. Nick grabbed his own dick, stemming the tide, shuddering as Cody's cock touched his sweet spot. It was perfection; it was everything. Nick rode Cody's thrusts, each movement taking him closer, each beat of his heart echoing one single truth: _He stayed._

Cody came first, his cock swelling in Nick, face contorting, voice breaking on Nick's name, and it was that which dragged Nick over the edge. The sound of his name on Cody's lips at this sweet moment, their bodies one. 

Cody dropped heavily on Nick's chest, shaking as Nick wrapped his arms around him, as Nick kissed the salt of sweat and tears from Cody's cheeks, Cody's lips, Cody's eyes. "We're home," he whispered against Cody's skin. "Safe home, you 'n' me. 'S'gonna be okay, buddy."

"Yeah," Cody said, thick with sorrow and joy and sex -- Nick could still feel Cody's heart pounding, still feel the tension of San Francisco. Not for the first time, he wished Janet gone to the devil -- dead, expunged, a world away. Gone beyond the power to hurt Cody.

 _Next time,_ he vowed to himself, _next time,_ but didn't allow himself to finish the thought. "Got you safe," he repeated instead, and was rewarded with a poorly-aimed kiss that landed somewhere to the left of his nose.

Nick huffed softly and found Cody's mouth, kissing him with all the hunger, all the need he'd held so hard the last few days. Giving him everything, stuck on the memory of the tenderness in Cody's eyes. _Home. Home with me._

"Hold me tonight?" Cody murmured, breaking the kiss and shifting slightly, allowing his softening cock to slip free of Nick.

Nick moaned softly, stretching his legs, curling around so that Cody was sheltered in his body. Between him and the wall. "Always," he replied, pulling Cody close. "You don't have to ask, you know?"

"I know," Cody confirmed, nestling close. "Wanted to hear it." 

Nick's heart filled like it might burst. "Whatever you need," he promised. "You got me, always."

Cody sighed, content, relaxed. Safe. "Thanks," he whispered. "Nick, thanks."


	3. Chapter 3

"Joanna," Nick prompted, lowering his beer to the table. "She likes you."

"Two words, Nick. Mashed cauliflower." Cody took a healthy swig of his own beer then adjusted his sling.

Nick watched narrowly, then picked up a jar containing the latest thing in sunscreen. Guaranteed, according to Murray, to keep even nerds safe from the sun. He leaned forward and applied a liberal amount to Cody's neck.

Cody yelped, but his protest was half-hearted. He was still hurting, which was only to be expected two weeks after a bullet in the shoulder, and he'd put up with more than sunscreen for the gentle massage Nick was delivering.

 _I'd feed you mashed cauliflower myself if I thought it'd fix you, dummy._ "So maybe she ain't a gourmet cook. Does that matter?"

"I told you, I'm done. Women are more trouble than they're worth, Nick. Haven't you told me that a thousand times?"

Nick blinked. "Have I?" He'd said any number of uncomplimentary things about Cody's women, but more usually to Murray behind a closed door. On his own behalf it was certainly true, but he couldn't remember sharing the sentiment. He delivered a final pat to Cody's good shoulder and sat back.

"Well…" Cody took another drink. "Maybe not out loud. But I hear you think it every time a pretty girl looks your way. Or mine, come to think of it."

Nick rubbed his nose. "So now you're psychic? Man, that's really something. Riptide Detective Agency -- where we can read your mind!"

Cody gave him a dirty look and hoisted his feet to the railing. "Look, I'm not taking Tammy out. I'm not calling Liz, and I'm not gonna date Joanna. Next thing you're gonna tell me to call up Sheila and ask her how her personalities are doing!"

Nick rubbed his nose again. Cody swearing off women should have pleased him, but Nick didn't believe it. "I just want you to be happy," he said quietly, standing and looking out to sea.

"And I can't be happy without a woman, is that it?" There was a clink as Cody put his beer down. "Nick, when was the last time you went on a date?"

"Couple weeks ago," Nick said automatically.

"A couple of weeks ago you were in Cyprus Bay. Don't tell me you found the time to catch some local action?"

"A couple weeks before that, then. C'mon, Cody, why does it matter?"

"Because the last girl you were with was Renee, am I right? An' since then, you've bought Bambi a drink twice, and that, as far as I know, is all the action 'Dream Machine' Ryder has seen in '86. Wanna talk about it?"

Nick turned and stared at Cody. It had been a tough year, and somewhere along the line, he'd let the facade slip. He'd known it, but he hadn't realized his partner had been watching so closely. "As far as you know," he said shortly. "Look, I'm going inside. Call me when you've had enough sun."

*

Nick was lying on his bunk with his eyes closed when he felt, rather than heard, Cody come in. When he wanted to, Cody could be uncannily silent.

"I'm taking Bambi out Saturday," Nick said without opening his eyes. "Her and Deano are on a break."

"Great," Cody said sarcastically. "So you're gonna be two ahead in the broken nose contest Sunday."

Nick opened his eyes with a reluctant smile. "Fifty-fifty chance," he conceded, and sat up. "Why don't you ask Mindy if she wants to come along?"

"Mindy?" Cody frowned. "You mean the new girl at Straightaway's? I dont even think she's eighteen!"

"She's twenty-three, and I think maybe you're getting old. C'mon, Cody, you got a glamorous bullet wound, and a sling to guarantee she'll fuss over you. Usually you can't wait to make the most of something like that."

"Yeah, well, maybe I'm learning some sense in my old age." Cody sat down on his bunk, facing Nick. "Buddy, I didn't mean you had to get a date. It just seemed like kind of a long dry spell, and I wondered if something was up. I know you told me Renee wasn't, uh, about her, but…" Cody stopped speaking and looked down, fidgeting intently with the edge of his sling.

"It's me," Nick said carefully. "Not Renee, not any of the girls. I'm not -- I don't want them, you know? And trying to pretend I do, even just for the night -- I can't do it anymore. Or maybe I can, but I don't want to."

"I guess that makes sense." Cody looked up at him. "So what do you want, Nick?"

 _You and me. Always._ Nick swallowed those words and hunted around for some others. "Not a wife and kids, anyhow. I'm not ready. Don't figure I ever will be."

"So how come you think I am, big guy? You can't wait to get me hitched all of a sudden?"

 _Date the girls we know, the ones that won't marry you. If you meet someone new, someone from out of town… someone who'll take you away…_ Nick closed his eyes, light-headed for a moment. "I thought that was what you wanted. It's what you always said you wanted."

"Yeah, well, maybe I changed my mind. Nick? You okay?"

Nick opened his eyes again to find Cody leaning forward, watching him intently. "Yeah," he said, gripping the edge of his bunk as another wave of dizziness rolled over him. "I think."

"Lie down." Cody pushed him backwards, moving to sit on his bunk, and Nick collapsed thankfully. He reached up, blindly seeking for Cody, and Cody gave a strangled gasp as Nick knocked his sling.

"Sorry." Nick tried to sit up again, but Cody pushed him back down, then grabbed Nick's hand with his own good hand.

"I'm right here. It's okay, huh?"

"Did I hurt you? Cody -- "

"Just take it easy, Nick. My shoulder's fine. I'm not so sure you are, though. What is it? Something you ate? Maybe you're coming down with the flu?"

"Maybe." Nick closed his eyes. He felt ridiculously tired, and every movement of the Riptide disoriented him more. "Cody… think I'm gonna be sick…"

*

There was no date with Bambi on Saturday. Nick was still confined to bed, his sudden, mysterious illness having been traced to Murray's sunscreen experiment.

"Easy mistake." Nick yawned hugely, pushed away the plate of dry toast and lay back down. Despite sleeping forty minutes out of every hour, he still felt exhausted, although the dizziness had passed. "I shoulda asked Murray if he'd used melon in the sunscreen."

"No-one uses melon in sunscreen." Cody moved the plate away and topped up Nick's lemonade. "Another nap? Really?"

"Sorry." Nick yawned again. "I know I'm no fun… I'll make it up to you, man." He tried a grin, struggling to keep his eyes open.

"It's okay, babe. I'm just worried you're still so tired. Maybe I oughtta take you back to the hospital."

"No hospital." Nick reached out with his eyes closed. "'M getting better. Haven't thrown up today."

"I guess."

Nick felt the bunk move as Cody sat on the edge, then the familiar tease of Cody's fingers in his hair. He sighed in contentment. "Nice."

"Next time you wanna break off a date, just tell her you have infectious hepatitis, okay? Turns out it's a lot easier on my nerves than melon-flavored sunscreen."

"I'll keep it in mind."

*

Nick awoke properly to dusk and an empty cabin. His bladder was full, his stomach was empty, and as he made his way to the head, he realised the heavy drag of exhaustion was gone.

He relieved himself, brushed his teeth, washed his face and, encouraged by the lack of nausea or dizziness, turned on the shower.

He'd barely stepped into the cubicle when the bathroom door burst open. "Nick! Are you okay?"

Nick stuck his head out from behind the curtain. "Can't a guy get a little privacy around here?" But he reached out to Cody, gripping his hand, reassuring. "It's okay, man. I'm okay."

Cody stared into his face, then nodded. "Sorry. I just…"

"I know. I shoulda called you, told you I was feeling better."

Cody nodded again and released his hand. "Take it easy in there. Watch out for sharks."

"Long as you didn't buy melon shampoo, I'm gonna do just fine."

"Don't even joke about it." Cody backed out the door. But he obviously hadn't gone far, because when Nick came out of the bathroom, towel draped loosely around his waist, Cody met him in the hallway, hands on his arms, his chest, his back -- almost manhandling him back into their stateroom.

Nick sat down on his bunk and watched, half amused, half concerned, as Cody grabbed clean sweats from their closet. "I'm okay, big guy. It's over."

"Maybe." Cody turned back and tossed the sweats to Nick. He was holding his left arm against his body, awkward and stiff, but there was no sign of his sling.

Nick grabbed the sweats out of the air and dropped them on the bunk. "The melon didn't get me. The bullet didn't get you. C'mon, buddy. Come here."

Cody stared mutely for a minute, then obeyed. But instead of sitting beside Nick, he dropped suddenly to his knees, right elbow on Nick's leg, staring up into Nick's face. "Sunscreen," he said raggedly. "So fucking stupid."

"Hey." Nick leaned forward, pulling Cody against his body, curling over him protectively. "It wasn't anything. I was just kinda off-color, you know? Nothing to worry about. Nothing like…" Nick broke off, running his hand lightly over Cody's hurt shoulder. 

Cody shuddered in his arms. "You don't know," he whispered, so low Nick had to strain to hear. "In the hospital, knowing you weren't there… you weren't coming…"

Nick closed his eyes, knowing all too well. "I know," he said grimly. "I know, and I didn't want to, Cody. Last thing I wanted to do was go."

Cody rubbed his head against Nick's chest, hard. "I know," he said unevenly. "I know I'm not being fair."

Nick rubbed the back of Cody's neck gently. The shooting had shaken both of them, and fairness wasn't even in the equation. "I'm here now," he offered.

But Cody wasn't done. "The sunscreen thing. You don't remember, I guess. Before I called the ambulance, you weren't breathing right. You -- I thought -- I didn't know -- " 

Nick kissed Cody's hair. He had no words of comfort to offer, not in the face of Cody's fear. Cody was right, he didn't remember, but he knew -- Murray had told him, cautioned him. Warned him allergies did this sometimes, worsened. Warned him next time he might be looking at anaphylactic shock, right before throwing out all the sunscreen and everything on the boat that might conceivably have touched it, or the melon itself.

"Hated that you were a hundred miles away," Cody said thickly. "Needed you, and you were a hundred miles away. I hated that. And then -- "

Nick's heart broke. "I wasn't in danger," he murmured. "They said it, you know that. They didn't even keep me in the hospital." He knew even as he said the words, they weren't any comfort. 

Cody pulled back and looked up at Nick, more haunted, more vulnerable than Nick thought he'd ever seen. "I can't," he said simply, and looked away.

Nick moved back on the bed, pulling Cody with him until Cody gave in and crawled onto the bunk beside him. Nick stretched out slow, easing Cody against him, giving Cody time, space. Letting Cody take the closeness he needed.

Cody spooned himself around Nick, making himself the protector. It was unusual for them but Nick accepted it, turning to face the wall, enjoying the warmth and strength of Cody wrapped around him. 

Cody's right hand caressed Nick's belly, even as Nick felt the barely-in-check emotions shudder through Cody's body. "Okay," Nick said, tilting his head back to try to see Cody's face. "Cody, man, it's okay. Take what you need. I'm here, it's okay."

"I need too much," Cody said, in a cracked, broken voice Nick hadn't heard in more than a decade. "I can't, I can't ask you -- you're not -- "

Nick pulled out of Cody's arms, fast, turning over and pushing Cody back against the bunk. He heard Cody hiss, saw him flinch, and ignored both. "Stop it," he said grimly. "Cody, we've done this too many times, already. An' this time, I ain't gonna go quietly. Not like it ever worked when I did, anyhow, huh? It don't matter to me how many Chinese hookers you screw. How many guys like Byron you hide behind. Whatever escape you dreamed up this time, whatever crazy plan you got, it's not gonna happen, you got that?"

"No escape," Cody muttered, staring up at Nick. "Even if wanted to, I couldn't. You're here, don't you know that?" Cody moved his good arm, slowly laying his right hand across his chest.

Nick's mouth went dry. _In your heart?_ Cody loved him, he knew that. And they were connected soul-deep, he knew that too. But for Cody to admit it, own it, _talk about it_ at all, was unprecedented. "I know," Nick acknowledged softly, reaching out and stroking Cody's left collar-bone. "Did I hurt you?"

"Not much." Cody smiled fleetingly and reached up, grabbing Nick's fingers. "Are you gonna?"

"No," Nick said softly, bending his head for a kiss. "Never figured you'd let me close enough." Cody's mouth drew him in, sweet and hot, a promise, a vow. Everything. Nick pulled back, then gently pushed the hair back from his partner's face. "Never figured you'd let it matter."

Cody gripped Nick's hand tighter, staring up into his face. "Let you close," he said breathlessly. "That's a joke, right? Like I got a choice. Without you -- " He stopped, grabbing for Nick with both arms, and Nick felt the jolt go through Cody as his hurt shoulder protested.

"Easy, big guy. Easy does it." Nick lay back down, pulling Cody close, gentling him as ragged breathing turned to intermittent sobs, as tension slowly left Cody's body. "You don't have to be without me, you know? Whatever you need, baby. I'm good for it."

"You don't know that. You don't know. Nick, it's not -- I can't -- "

"So tell me, Cody. You know you can tell me anything, right? You're the best friend I got in the world. You're everything I got. Stop fighting me and just talk, man."

"Everything," Cody repeated slowly, and sat up. "You got it in one, right there. Nick, all these years you gave me what I needed, no questions asked. Whenever it got too much, whenever I broke, there you were, holding me together."

Nick opened his mouth to say it cut both ways, but Cody stopped him with a headshake. "I don't need a fuck to hide behind, okay? I don't need to sleep in your arms tonight. I don't need you to patch me up and send me on my way."

Nick swallowed hard. Every part of him was rebelling at Cody's words -- the negation of their bond, their safety net torn asunder. "Okay," he managed, past the lump in his throat. "Just tell me, guy. I'm listening." 

"I can't let go," Cody said, lowering his eyes to the bedcover. "You give it to me and I take it but I don't want to stop, I wont be able to stop. It's not just a thing for me, a fix, a--a fucking band-aid, all right? I need it, d'you understand? I need you. And I don't just mean tonight -- next time shit goes to hell -- whatever. I'm talking about all the time."

 _I need you. All the time._ Nick stared at Cody, barely breathing, wondering if he'd heard right. Or if his own need, his own want, was playing tricks on him, putting words in Cody's mouth, finding meanings that didn't exist. But Cody kept right on staring at the sheets, his face shadowed, giving Nick no clues as to his real meaning.

"You can't let go," Nick repeated at last, his voice low and controlled. It was that or cry. "Are you saying that's a problem?"

Cody hissed out a breath. "When you date Bambi it is," he said unsteadily, and looked up at last. "Were you, uh, planning on rescheduling?"

Nick looked into the pain in Cody's eyes, the ache, the _longing_. None of it was new, he realized now -- so used to it in himself, he'd somehow missed it, overlooked it in Cody. "No." Nick coughed, trying to force away the thickness that threatened to close his throat. "Like I said a few days ago, I don't really want to be dating right now."

"I remember." Cody held Nick's eyes, looking heartbreakingly uncertain. "You know what else I remember? You never did tell me what you want instead."

"Maybe that's because I wanted something I thought I couldn't have, you know? I thought I wanted too much." Nick reached out, drawing Cody back down beside him. "Don't let go, man. Please don't, okay? Not tonight, not tomorrow, not ever. You an' me -- you're the only solid thing I got in this life, an' all I wanna do is hang on to you with everything I got. Say I can, Cody. Say you won't let me go."

"Never." Cody's voice broke as he held Nick tightly. "You really want this -- me? You don't mind?"

"Mind?" Nick murmured, shifting himself around Cody. "I been wanting this a long time. I been wanting you even longer."

The fear was leaving Cody now, Nick could feel it in the way Cody lay against him, in his breathing, in the softness of his body. There was nothing now, nothing save the two of them in the softly lit cabin, twined together on Nick's bunk. They lay together in the silence and Nick gently nuzzled Cody's neck, then his cheek.

Cody turned his face to Nick, smiling softly. Nick smiled back, reaching up with one hand for the light switch.

Cody caught his wrist, bearing his hand back to the bed. Then he leaned in and slowly, deliberately, kissed Nick.

This time, the light stayed on.


End file.
